My girlfriend, Mara, and her best friend, Krystin, are going river rafting with me, early in the morning, on my buddy John’s boat. John is kind of a douche bag, but his raft is huge and he has all the fun accoutrements—floaties and paddleboards and inner tubes and life jackets—and he is nothing if not a very capable river guide. I should be getting some sleep, but I know at any second, my phone’s— Goddammit. “Hey, babe,”...