It’d been six months of happy masturbation. Since my return home I still hadn’t gotten any closer to pussy than the wank mags at work. So when the boys’ trip to Amsterdam came up, I decided to give the other side of life a go. I needed to laid, I was noticing myself that I was becoming more unattractive to the opposite sex by the day. It’s like when you’re with a partner and getting laid all the time, chicks can smell it...

When I first landed in London, my brother Scott’s friends let me doss on their couch while I got myself sorted with a job and shit. Like all newcomers and tourists I wanted to see the sites and soak up the atmosphere, so Madame Tussauds was to be my first port of call.I was at Madame Tussauds, dressed in my All Blacks shirt (choice eh!) and with a red carnation thing wrapped in tin foil, that some lady outside had pinned...

The agony in my ass was furious and all consuming, so my first tearful stop was the pharmacy. The pebble that screamed between my butt cheeks was now a dull constant ache that reached my finger tips. Why after all these years of evolution, would man, who can fly to the moon, have to suffer this? I was in a horrifying state, the pain absorbed all of my thoughts and just as I was close to crying out for help, for the second...

‘You wan’ go Boom Boom?’ he yelled back, sticking a finger through the circle he’d made with the thumb and fore finger of the other hand. ‘Yes, Boom Boom.’ Now don’t get me wrong here, it’s not like I’d done this a thousand times, or even a couple of times but hey, I was in Bangkok on my own with a hard on, thanks to my blessed brother’s Viagra, and besides a million other men had done it before me. Fuck it, I wanted adve...