2004
“Tim, I can’t believe we’re finally back here.” It was all I could say as I waded through the waters. Knee-high, they lapped coolly against my bare thighs, fresh and anchoring me in the stark reality of this moment. It was every bit as sunny and picturesque as the last time we had made the mile-long crossing, several years before. Weaving through the reeds and willows as I finally hit dry land again, I climbed the huge dune that protruded up like a hill, through the low tidal waters.
“I know, Jenny. It’s a lot to take in,” you sighed, as we made our climb up the steep sandy slope.
We soon settled in silence, sitting side by side. For some time, we watched the tide come up, slowly claiming more and more territory. I took your hand and met your eyes. Silently, you slipped the rucksack off your shoulders and set it down. I saw the patch of sweat on your back and felt guilty that I hadn’t offered to share the burden, although I knew you’d never have let me. The two-mile-long walk from where we had parked to this special secret spot had felt more like a pilgrimage than a simple walk.
“Do you remember it, Jen? The first time we were here?”
“You’re kidding, right? Our secret island, where everything began? My first kiss, my first love, the day my whole life changed? Why would I remember that?” I smiled cynically, my heart already full of the bittersweet memories of that day.
“Okay, smart arse. So, tell me about it. Talk to me. I wanna hear it.”
I wanted to. For a long, silent moment, I tried to tame the words. I clasped your fingers tightly in mine and pulled you close. The familiar settings warmed and injured my heart in equal measure, the embodiment of our shared pain.
Silentl,y I found myself back there. In that exact spot, six years previously. The breeze, the lap of the little waves, the squawk of the sea birds. It was all still the same, even if everything had changed suddenly. “This is where my whole life began. I met you and I fell in love with you here. With you both.”
*********************************************************
1998
It was approaching midday, the beach still quiet, the sun high overhead. The insouciance of youth and the levity of those early summer days swept away my normally crippling fear of strangers and somehow I found the courage to fall into conversation with two strangers. I’d assumed they were old friends or a couple, but I soon I learned they had only met earlier that day as well.
Each of us alone there at the seaside, escaped from our real lives and parents for a day, we talked and got to know each other. Wearing a bikini and a light summer wrap, splashing, and sunbathing with these two, opening up seemed easy and natural.
Kelly seemed so confident, worldly, and almost painfully beautiful. Her wide, infectious smile and perfect white teeth struck me first. Cute dimples and sparking green eyes next. Frizzy, sand-filled, messy hair and a full, womanly figure, breasts filling her bikini, enviable and desirable. If I’d invented a best friend, I wouldn’t have even dared to make her as beautiful or impressive as Kelly. At eighteen years old, she had a self-assured magnetism beyond her years. She was everything I wished I was, everything I wanted, despite being, incomprehensibly, only two months older than me.
And Tim. Tim was just wonderful. I’d never had many friends before, and definitely no male ones, so Tim was an enigma to me initially. Tall, broad and powerfully youthful. Tim was tantalisingly masculine, in board shorts and nothing else. But listening to him talk, it was clear he was as alone and lost as I was. He wasn’t sure who he was, what he was doing. He seemed unsure of how to talk to either of us, how to look at us. It seemed clear to me he was attracted to Kelly. Initially I assumed he wanted rid of me and that I was getting in the way of his intentions to be alone with Kelly, but he was the first to insist otherwise when I offered to leave them alone, to be together.
The beach started to get busier. Instinctively, we waded out further, away from the crowds. Soon, we were well out of sight of the beach, simply following a wet sandy causeway. Eventually, we met a dune, which rose up well above water level. We had no idea of the risks we were taking, blissful in our ignorance. Grateful for rest, we sat on the dry peak, facing away from the beach, the tall bushy reeds screening us from the tacky gift shops and noise of the Cornwall seaside town beyond. Our loneliness salvaged into an intentional, glorious escape. There’s was nothing but the waves, the breeze, and the occasional wisp of a cloud in the otherwise unblemished sky. Completely alone, yet I already felt less lonesome than I had in years.
“Tim, have you got a girlfriend?” Kelly asked, bluntly.
“No, no, not at all,” he answered fast and too emphatically.
I tried to stifle a giggle as Kelly copied him, parodying him, turning him red. I watched her, impressed, as she put him back at ease with a simple hand on his shoulder, which lingered there, strangely sparking my envy.
“What about you, Jenny? Got a bunch of boys back home?” She asked me, with her disarming smile, enjoying leading us into a new realm of intimate conversation.
“No, Kelly. No boys. No boyfriend. No one.” I spoke calmly, keen not to emulate Tim’s embarrassing performance despite feeling the same tightness and nerves as I shared my pathetic solitude. “I’m eighteen, I play the clarinet at our church and I live with my boring recluse foster parents. I don’t have many, um, opportunities for boyfriends, let’s say.” I paused, sensing I was nervously oversharing. Their silence left me floundering, and I carried on, filling the void. “And, I’m nowhere near as good looking as either of you, so hardly gonna be fighting off boys.”
Kelly jerked her head back in an intentional gesture of displeasure. “Jenny, look at me,” she said. I did, gladly meeting her aqua green eyes. “You’re wrong. Completely wrong. You’re very beautiful. You’ve got a kind of wholesome, classic thing, like you’ll be some millionaire’s wife. Like a young Audrey Hepburn,” she smiled softly, and I tried to believe she was being serious.
“Kelly’s right, Jenny,” Tim added, sounding as sincere as his timidity would let him. “You can kinda tell you don’t realise it yet, but you’re, um, very, um, attractive.” He held my eyes for a moment, courageously. All I could do was smile and nervously tuck the long locks of brown hair back behind my ears, suddenly aware of my skimpy state of dress and the feel of the sand on my bare legs and arms as I leaned back on the dune.
A sweet moment of comfortable silence settled between us as we enjoyed the feel of the early afternoon sun.
Kelly broke the silence first. “This is perfect. We need to keep this place secret. Our special secret spot, just for us three. New best friends.” Kelly said, and I smiled inside as Kelly called me a friend. “God, sorry. That’s weird isn’t it? Sorry. I don’t really have many friends.” Kelly sighed and rested her chin on her bare knee, wrapping her arms around her legs. “We move house so much, I hate it. It’s making me get carried away and blurt out stupid things like that.”
“So what about you, Kelly? Got a man in your life?” I asked.
“No. I’ve had a couple of boyfriends before, but never anything serious. Last guy I kissed was a really weird thing…” Kelly trailed off, realising she’d probably overshared again.
“Go on,” I pushed, touching her lower leg with a comforting palm.
“Well, I had this friend, Helen. She’s so pretty. She works for my dad’s company, about five years older than me. She came over to a party at Dad’s house with her boyfriend. They went outside for air, and I joined them, and they just started kissing. Like, full on. In front of me, I felt kinda excited watching them. Like they wanted me to. I felt special. And then, eventually, she just asked me, “Are you enjoying watching, Kelly? Wanna give it a try?” I felt so embarrassed.”
“You’re joking!” Tim gasped.
“My god! What did you say?” I asked, wide-eyed.
“I wasn’t sure what to say, I froze a bit, but then I just nodded,” Kelly’s eyes softened and her smile changed. Longer and tighter, resonating with the glow of a warm memory. “Her boyfriend took my hand, and told me to close me eyes. I did, and he just kissed me.” Kelly beamed widely now, her fingers clutching her own thighs in instinctive response. “It was, well, quite something. He tasted of cigarettes, but he was a good kisser. It felt like we kissed for ages, my heart was thumping.”
“Wow. Right in front of his girlfriend?” I asked, dumbfounded. “Is this really true?”
“I promise. Helen watched us the whole time.” Kelly answered under her breath, quieter now. “Thing is, when she asked me if I wanted to try it, I thought she meant with her. Kinda hoped so.” Kelly left her biggest secret hanging silently in the air between them, exposed.
“I’ve never kissed anyone!” I blurted out, filling the silence, reciprocating Kelly’s openness. I guess I was trying to save her, before blushing at how childish I sounded.
They both laughed kindly, and Kelly stroked my arm in that same friendly gesture. Her dainty fingers were soft, and I smiled at their touch, grateful to have somehow earned it. Tim simply looked at me, his head tilted and an eyebrow raised.
“It’s ok, Jenny,” Tim said kindly, laying a gentle hand on my upper back. It was the first time he touched me, too. His hand felt bigger and heavier, but just as tender and welcome. “Me neither.”
Just at that moment, both Kelly and Tim moved closer towards me on either side. We didn’t really understand what it meant but the tide had risen and the water was getting closer on all sides.
I smiled into his eyes. “Really? But you’re, um, so…” I couldn’t finish the phrase, but words like sweet, cute, handsome all queued up in my mouth, unable to take the leap out.
“Nope. Boys' school, only child. I did really nearly kiss one girl, not long ago. Lana Mayes. We slow-danced at a Christmas party, about three times. I really liked her but I just didn’t want to rush it. I was waiting for the right moment, being a chicken really. I went to get a drink, building myself up for it. I promised her I’d be straight back. And like, two minutes later, when I came back, she was kissing some other stupid boy instead. And that was that.” Tim wound down his sad story with a dismissive shrug, but we all felt that it had been a loss for him.
“Well, Lana Mayes is an idiot!” Kelly chimed in. “I hope the other boy gave her a cold sore or head lice and now she’s ugly and alone.” She laughed and lightened the mood, as was her talent.
Once again, we found ourselves all moving closer together, as the water drew in with the rising tide. Our dune was now less than two metres from side to side.
The sun had begun its descent in the sky, the coastal salty breeze dampening its heat
I leaned back on my hands, closed my eyes, and turned my face upwards to the sun. The warmth soothed me and my heart buzzed with the joy of newfound friendship, or at least the hope for one.
“You’re right, though, Kelly. This has to be our secret. Our place, just us, no one else.” I looked into both their eyes, feeling full of warmth for them both.
“Deal,” Tim squeezed my hand as he agreed. “Never tell a soul. Our secret spot.”
“Actually, it’s our secret island now. Look, we’re completely cut off.” Kelly finally said what we all should have realised. “There’s no way I can swim back, we’re stuck here for a few hours.” She said, a hint of adventurous excitement in her voice, the three of us now sharing an area so small it was impossible not to touch each other.
And then she completely blew my mind.
“Okay!” Kelly swivelled around, turning to face me and Tim, suddenly animated. “You two should kiss!” She seemed very keen on the idea.
“What?!” I shrieked, immediately smirking like an infant.
Tim was silent, his eyes wide with both fear and approval.
“Come on, you two. Look around you! How gorgeous is this? And it’s just us. It’s the perfect moment.”
I sighed and looked down at the ground, a fluttering in my heart and a heat on my flesh that wasn’t just from the sun. When I finally looked up, my breath burst from my chest, finding Tim looking at me with deep chocolate eyes that melted me. Neither of us said a word. We both knew the other wanted to. And I definitely wanted to.
Kelly pulled her feet under herself, kneeling next to us. I suddenly felt bare. Tim’s eyes were on my face, but it was my whole body that I was suddenly aware of, on show in my bikini.
Each holding Kelly’s hands, we faced each other. She tried to let our hands go and back away a little, but instead I held her fast. I didn’t fully understand why, but I needed her right there, like a good luck charm or a comforting soft toy. I pulled her closer, until she was right at my side—at both our sides.
Tim reached out a hand to me. I gingerly took it in mine.
“Good,” Kelly spoke softly, barely needing to even whisper as we were all so close in the silent seclusion. “You’re gonna love this!”
My eyes drifted closed, and I sensed Tim’s lips before I felt them. Slowly, they pressed to mine, and mine melted to his. My mind sparked and ignited. We were kissing. At last, I was being kissed!
This was where I expected to panic, or do something stupid and embarassing. But with Kelly right there, feeling her thigh touching the outside of mine, her breast occasionally brushing my bicep, I was oddly calm. Tim wrapped an arm over my shoulder, and I didn’t feel the fear. I felt brave and desired as we pulled closer. It was as perfect as Kelly said it would be.
The pressure grew, and Tim led me, tilting slightly, his nose rubbing mine until slowly we found a way to interlock. His lips were soft and exquisite, moving and rolling with mine. I tried to copy and match him. Soon he opened his lips, just a little way, and I knew what I wanted. I let my tongue glide to his lips, a glorious feeling hitting me as it met his own. I tried to still and calm my swirling mind. My whole body tingled as our tongues embraced.
“That’s it, you’ve got this now, just relax,” Kelly whispered into my ear, her fingers gently sliding over my shoulder and upper arm. I felt conflicting reactions to her touch, finding it sweet and cherishing, but also unexpectedly arousing, so close and intimate, while I lost myself in my first-ever kiss. I felt her begin to pull away again, retreating, but again, I stopped her, emphatically pulling her close.
“No, stay, Kelly.” I had to calm down our kiss to get the words out. Whatever magic had created this moment, Kelly was part of it, and I wanted her there.
“Okay, Jenny.” She purred in a way I didn’t really comprehend, but with a hand on my shoulder, she slowly rocked me backwards, until I was lying on the sand. I gasped as I found myself flanked, Tim on one side and Kelly squeezing in on the other, my arms wrapped beneath them both
One of my hands settled on Tim’s fleshy bare back. Muscly, lean and totally divine. He moved in too, and as our kiss rekindled, I quaked as he softly touched the expanse of my bare middle, our mouths locking tightly together. His tongue swirled in my mouth, the intrusion and possession igniting a fuse within me. It grew and carried on until I felt the palm of his hand rise up my ribcage. It stopped gingerly just below my breast, his hope, his desire only too clear.
I gazed softly into his eyes before smiling and giving a tiny nod. He smiled back, before creeping his fingertips up over the curve of my breast, both proud of ourselves. My whole body sang. I felt the rise of his fingers as if it was the conquest of a powerful army, claiming and exploring newfound territory, which I so joyfully surrendered under Kelly’s watchful gaze. I relished in the feeling of my one hand flowing up and down his side, the other on Kelly’s back. I trailed up her spine and across her shoulder blades. It was as if she were simply an extension of him. Or an extension of me, perhaps. Touching her anchored and calmed me, and my whole body sparked and triggered as I felt her fingers casually float over my tummy and around my navel.
Suddenly, Tim’s hips pressed to my side and I felt it there. Unmistakable, his massive hardness swelled at my thigh. I gasped in surprise and lost our kiss for a moment. Unrestrained, his kisses began to travel. He kissed my neck, and down, onwards, sending shudders through me as his lips and tongue finally closed over my nipple, sweeping all thought and sense from me. And as my head turned, there was Kelly, her eyes bright, her warm, dimpled face so close. Pure perfection. As Tim sucked on my breast again, there were no questions as Kelly and I closed the tiny distance and our lips pressed together.
No gasp, no shock, no fear. Just warmth and softness, Kelly’s kiss picked up where Tim had left me, until our mouths were bound in the same hungry, passionate clench. I knew I would never fully recover. My fingers stroked down her back and flicked over the knot of her bikini, wishing I had the courage to tug it undone. I was hopelessly aroused by it all, her softness, her round smoothness, and her perfect lips and tongue completely undoing me.
“Wow,” Tim exclaimed in a nearly silent gasp, watching us. I threaded a hand up into his hair and pulled him close.
I couldn’t speak, I had no words. None were needed. Drawing him back in we tried to maintain some kind of three-way kiss for a while, messy and awkward before it ended. The three of us pressed our foreheads together, breathing, sighing, and panting. Synchronising and melting into one.
Temporarily stranded, outside of the world, of reality. Together. We held each other close and tight and knew something huge was happening. I took my example from Tim and began to plant soft kisses on Kelly’s jaw, then her neck. Her skin, so soft it was almost liquid, felt luxurious and adult as my lips savoured it. As my tongue flicked at her neck, I heard the first sound of her kiss with Tim, saw their mouths melt together. I felt a clamping, heated sensation in myself. I was flooding and bursting with passion, trembling like a harp string.
Tim’s erection swelled against me, dominating my consciousness. I’d never even seen a naked man before and what I felt there both terrified and obsessed me. Tim’s hand reached and took my hand, on Kelly’s back. Taking courage from each other, together we pulled at the strings of her bikini, which fell away.
Guided by Kelly’s simple, gentle pull on his shoulder, Tim rolled on top of me. It was Kelly’s eyes that soothed me, gave me the courage to open myself to him. His fingers slowly slid down onto me, and then inside my wet heat, briefly pulling a peep of a cry from me. I gasped at his imposing presence, opening me effortlessly. He was slow, cautious as he entered me. I gripped his bottom with one hand and pulled him in, yelling out as he obligingly drove his whole length in, filling me, right up to my heart.
I shared my kisses between them, as Kelly and I discovered each other’s breasts, accenting this crescendo of wild new realities. I gave back everything I could, her breast full and perfect, her nipple firm on my palm. Surprising us both, I took her hand and slid it down to where Tim and I were joined, a place I’d never been touched before. Tim sighed into my cheek as his hips rocked and he buried himself into me, the two of them turning my whole world into a blur of pure bright white happiness.
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2004
“Tim, it was all so crazy. So beautiful.” A thin stream of tears rolled over my cheek as we sat in silence in the exact spot where it had happened, six years ago.
“We know what we have to do, right?” You said, heavily.
Taking the canister from your bag, you opened it and together we cast Kelly’s ashes into the wind. A raw, deep cry burst from me as the only other person I’d ever loved floated on the breeze, mingling with the air and sea around us. But rather than vanishing, instead now I felt she was all around, part of everything.
And suddenly, we were kissing and devouring each other. Our kiss was heated and desperate, both postponing our sadness and choosing this instead. My legs parted, as they had done that first day, wet and burning. As you revealed and suckled on my breast, I reached straight for your hardness, “Take me, Tim. Fuck me!”
Your eyes locked into mine as you slid into me, filling me, at war against this empty ache. Your tears rolled onto my cheek, mixing with my own as I opened my mouth in a mix of agony and rapture.
“Tim, can we really survive this? We’ve been this weird three-person thing for all these years.” I whispered through my gasps.
You bore down, intensely, digging in and pulling back, over and over, kissing and loving me as you claimed me, body and soul. Your flesh raked through me and I felt stranded, like the island where we were laying, fucking and loving each other
“Kelly brought us together. I know we both loved her. We always will. But I love you too, Jenny. I always have.”
I gave no answer as I came undone, pulling you tight to me as I burst with emotion, and climax.
I held your eyes as we shook, buckled, and sobbed together, slowly settling back to real life, bonded with you now. In that moment, a piece of our lives was put to rest, starting its slow move to become part of our history.
“That’s the first time we’ve ever done that completely alone, Tim. All these years, I’ve been hers, you’ve been hers, planets in her orbit. But I’ve always wanted you. Always loved you.”
“Marry me, Jenny. I’m all yours.”
My heart burst and I threw my arms around you.
“Yes, yes, Tim. Oh god, yes.”
We fell back to the ground and felt Kelly there with us, wrapped in her love and her memory as you took me once more and made me yours, and yours alone
