Overheard: In a Barber Shop in Dublin

"Are you right there, Mick?"

"Am I next?"

"Yes, do you need the booster seat?"

"Very fuckin' funny, Jimmy."

"The usual?"

"Yes, but do it right this time, Jimmy. Last time I left here looking like someone tried to eat a peach through a tennis racquet."

"I was in a hurry that day; Mary had me wound up something fierce."

"Is that a euphemism?"

"It's not like you to be using the big words, Mick."

"What's all that noise coming from the back room?"

"Ah, that's Mary."

"Care to elucidate? Do you like that one?"

"Did you swallow a fuckin' dictionary this morning?"

"I'm not a swallower."

"Mary's job was closed down by the health people."

"It was going to be either them or the vice squad, Jimmy."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, it was only a hairsbreadth away from being a brothel, Jimmy, let's be honest."

"Mary wasn't involved in anything like that."

"Did I say that she was? You're very touchy today, Jimmy; what's up with you?"

"Ah, it's all this new stuff going on, Mick. I'm not one for change; I just like a quiet life, you know me."

"Like us all, Jimmy. So how did Mary end up here?"

"Well, she took a lot of the customers and a couple of the staff from the salon when it closed."

"Why?"

"Why do you think? She wanted to set herself in a little business up here."

"Which staff did she take?"

"You know that Chrissy one from Rutland Street?"

"The shortish blondie one with the tits?"

"Yes, her and Sharon from the Square."

"Ooh, I know her, Jimmy. She's a bit of alright. I wouldn't mind rolling her hoop down the hill with my stick."

"That's a very disparaging thing to say, Mick."

"Who swallowed a dictionary now?”

“It must be contagious.”

“So, what are they doin' in there? I'd say they get some weirdos goin' in, do they?"

"Not really, they're just women looking to improve themselves."

"Yeah? Really?"

"Yeah, she does the waxing and the nails and the thing with the eyebrows."

"Waxing?"

"Yeah, you know. They like the oul' Ying Yangs smoother these days."

"No more pubes caught in the teeth?"

"Something like that."

"Does she do the sunbeds?"

"No, not yet, she wants me to build a bleedin' extension for that."

"If there's a bit of painting goin', don't forget me."

"I won't, but you better not paint the fuckin' floor like poor oul' Patsy’s up in the flats."

"There's thanks for ye, I didn't even charge her for that."

"Ha-ha, you're a fuckin' prick!"

"Yeah, but a handsome one."

"D'ye know what I'm goin' to tell ye?"

"Yeah, I'm a good-lookin' bastard, but, unfortunately, I'm spoken for, Jimmy."

"No, I had the weirdest thing in here the other day."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, do ye know yer man Alfie from the top of Summerhill? He wears a cap and talks with a limp."

"I do, he's not that weird in comparison to a lot of people."

"How old would you say he is?"

"Fuck knows, Jimmy. He must be hittin' sixty."

"Ah, he's more than that."

"Does it fuckin' matter? What did he do?"

"This is between the two of us, right?"

"Yeah, and your man over there in the corner that's dug into his phone."

"Yeah, anyway, he's after meeting this woman on the websites."

"Yeah? Good for him."

"Yeah. He's goin' to meet her in a couple of weeks' time. In a hotel down in Wicklow."

"Is he goin' to ride her?"

"Would you not think he's past it at this stage?"

"Fuck off! If he's sixty, he's only a year older than you."

"He is, and my bollox! You're an awful cunt sometimes."

"Yeah."

"So anyway, he came in here the other day lookin' for a shave."

"Do you still do that?"

"Not the shave he fuckin' wanted, Mick."

"What kind did he want?"

"He wanted his balls shaved."

"Fuck. Off."

"As true as I'm standing here talking to you. I told him to fuck off."

"For what?"

"Well. It appears that him and her were interwebbing on the interweb, and she told him that she had a shave done."

"Does she have a beard?"

"Be serious for a minute, will ye? So, he decided to get his balls shaved. He thinks it'd be more attractive to her."

"It'll just make him look like one of them turkeys hanging in the butcher's window at Christmas."

"You're missin' the point. If I was to shave him, I'd have to hold his dick out of the way and touch his balls too. I'm not doing that for a tenner, Mick."

"So, what did you charge him?"

"Ah, fuck this. I can't talk to you, Mick. You're just an arsehole."

"Yeah, so am I. I hope you washed your hands afterwards."