Overheard: In a Chinese Takeaway.

"Here we are now, Willie, The New Emperor."

"Wasn't this the Welcome at one stage, Jimmy?

"It was, but it was sold and they revamped it."

"I remember that, it was closed for the guts of a year."

"Yeah, but it's a lot nicer now."

"But, should they not have called it the New Welcome, as opposed to the New Emperor?"

"What?"

"They called it the New Emperor, but it wasn't called the Emperor before."

"Are you on something tonight?"

"No, it should be called either the New Welcome or the Emperor. Do you see what I mean?"

"Are you going to stand here arguing or are we getting fed?"

"What are you getting?"

"I'll get me usual, I suppose, but the queen wants crispy pork with soft noodles and a Peking sauce.

"You mean the Empress, Willie."

"What now?"

"You said the queen, you meant the Empress."

"I didn't. I was being superfluous."

"Does she like the soft noodles, Willie? Mine wouldn't touch a soft noodle."

"She doesn't have a problem with yours."

"Once she's getting porked with something crispy, she's happy."

"Like a happy ending?"

"Maybe not, although she'd be Welcome, to try."

"Good one, Willie,"

"What are you looking at, Jim?"

"I'm not fussy, Willie, I'll get a chicken curry with fly lice."

"What about herself, something with boiled rice? Or does she prefer it steamed, or castigated?"

"Are you still talking about the rice there?"

"Are you going to get something to curry favour with her?"

"Like what?"

"Oh, I don't know, something in a black bean sauce? I know how much she appreciates the taste of the bean."

"I like the chicken too, there's nothing like a nice big juicy breast."

"I'm a leg man, myself, Jim, legs and thighs."

"And a shapely, well turned ankle."

"The ankle of a chicken?"

"The Chinese use every part of the bird, Willie, it's a well known fact."

"I never heard that."

"It's true, it was on the television."

"Even the nuggets?"

"No, those are sent to McDonalds."

"What do McDonalds do with them?"

"They turn them into Happy Meals."

"You really do like a happy ending, Jimmy, don't you? You dirty little bastard."

"What about a bit of duck, Willie?"

"Which duck are we talkin' Jimmy?"

"I'm not sure."

"Well, we have the Peking Duck, of course. That's a staple."

"No, I only eat Irish duck, you wouldn't know where these cunts got it from."

"They get it from Peking, Jimmy, it says so on the beak."

"But you don't get to see the beak, Willie."

"Come on, will you? You need to go a bit quacker, geddit?"

"Yeah, I geddit. YOU order it for me."

"The Peking Duck?"

"No, a different one."

"What about the Crispy Aromatic Duck?"

"What if it's a female duck, Willie?"

"Does it matter?"

"Course it does."

"How?"

"You might get a bit of the duck's box or the arse. That mightn't be so aromatic."

"It'll be crispy, though; you'd have to wet it. Soften it up a bit."

"Like a woman?"

"Yes, Jimmy, exactly like a fuckin’ woman."