Chapter 11: New Year’s Resolution

Tabi and I continue to hang out. Luckily, she doesn’t bring up my philosophy again. Thursday we go to Jacob’s as normal. Again, as normal, Tabitha picks out a fairly good looking woman and tells me I should go hit on her. I look at the woman as Tabi is trying to hold back a giggle.

“Geez oh criminy. Would you knock it off," I say as I get up from the table and voluntarily entertain her. I purposely strike up a great conversation with the woman she pointed out to me. I buy the woman a drink, which I tell her is courtesy of Tabitha. She gladly accepts the drink and raises the glass toward Tabitha as a gesture to thank her.

Tabitha smiles and lifts her glass up in a cheers motion as well. I end the conversation after a few minutes and give the girl a big hug before returning to Tabi as she beams at me.

“Ooo. You guys really hit it off, eh?" she inquires excitedly, almost giddy.

I can’t keep a mischievous grin from crossing my face as I tell Tabitha, “Her name is Stacy and she dates the other Bobbsey Twin. I’ve known her for about six months. However, she did say, though she is currently in a relationship, she appreciated you buying her a drink and, if she is ever single, will consider going out with you." Tabi basically kicks me out of my chair as I, this time, am literally breathless with laughter.

All in between and around these times, Tabitha and I continue to deepen our friendship and share details about our thoughts, dreams, families, jobs, and histories. She never opens up about Garrett. Every time I try to ask, she simply responds, “Next topic,” and forces the conversation in a different direction.

Since I'm a manager of a fairly large team of engineers and she is an HR Director for a manufacturing company, we have plenty of fun stories about our goofy, even stupid, colleagues at work. I learn about her family and how she was raised. I learn she has good family values and a close relationship with her parents, particularly her mom. I learn, with even more conviction, besides her coldness toward men, she has a heart flowing with a deep love for others. Whenever I try to talk to her about possible suitors for her, however, she exposes the fact that she does not have any trust, or love, for anyone of her opposite sex beyond friendship. That distrust and lack of feelings, of course, includes me and she makes sure I know it.

Though she never opens up about what she would like in a sexual relationship, ever since I shared my philosophy, it’s easy for her to get me to talk about what I'm looking for in a relationship. Over time, I tell her details about how I read, even study, and try to practice the teachings of numerous philosophies like personality types, Tantra, Tao, Karma, and Kama Sutra. She does demonstrate some level of understanding of my philosophy without making fun of me, too often anyway.

Many times, especially when talking about the energy being shared between lovers and having connected souls, Tabitha scoffs and tells me she still doesn’t believe in those things. “Those things only happen in cheesy romance movies and novels,” is her normal response.

Though I openly talk to Tabi about what I'm looking for, whenever I inquire into her interests, she gives me the same nondescript response. “I’m just looking for a specific type of guy and I guess I’ll know it when I find it." She usually caps that off with a comment about how she is still not interested in dating me, just to make sure it’s still clear.

It's uncanny how she can always sense when I'm feeling something more than friendship for her and promptly stomps it down. Every time she does this it hurts a little more. The more time I spend with this woman and the more I learn of her, the more my heart truly loves her, and wants to be with her, as her lover.

We also continue our monthly game nights with Brad and Jay. We build a great relationship with them as well. The four of us go out a number of times together beyond game nights. As is normal for hanging out with a couple of gay men, there is always a lot of sexual innuendo and such flying around. It's always good fun. Around me, Tabi is quite reserved, conservative, and maybe even a little naive or innocent. Around the guys, however, especially when she has had a couple of drinks, she lets some comments fly that make me think, deep down, she isn’t so innocent.

A couple of days before New Year’s Eve I decide to attempt to ask Tabitha out as more than a friend. She seemed lonely after coming home from her parents’ for Christmas. Like me, finding her house empty of someone to love gets old for her. We have plans to get together in the evening, so I plan to try my luck. That night, after we are out and talking about the dating scene, both of us being frustrated, I walk her to her door and as she is preparing to unlock it, I stand close. I reach out and gently hold her hand in mine. Though both of our hands are in thick gloves, I feel her energy flowing into me, and mine into her.

With nervous excitement, I say, “For New Year’s, will you please have a date with me? Let me cook you dinner. You are such an amazing woman and you deserve to be romanced.” 

“And seduced," is Tabitha’s initial response, pulling her hand away from mine with a glare. “Rick, stop it. You are not getting me in bed. I’ve told you a hundred times, you are not my type. Why don’t you go back and get one of those Bobbsey Twins to bang. Matter of fact, go get them both…and their lesbian friend," she says with abrupt sternness. She then unlocks her door and stomps inside. Once inside, she spins on her heel and says with an edge of anger, “And stop trying to ruin our friendship!"

“You got me all wrong," I try to plead, but the door gets shut in my face. “Damn it!" I realize I actually yell as my voice echoes back to me from around the courtyard.

She whips open the door again and says, “Besides, I already have a date for New Year’s,” then slams the door shut again.

My stomach sinks as I stand there brokenhearted. At the same, I’m pissed and embarrassed at myself for letting my feelings out.

Like all the rest of the times before, I decide to just be her friend and bury my desire to be with her down low and hidden. I want to bury it so far down it is even hidden from me if possible.

“I’m sorry. This is the last time. I promise. I'm so lonely and you seemed to be too," I say to her closed door. I walk away after I hear her deadbolt click into place.

This failure hurts more than any other for two reasons: first, after all of our time together, she still does not understand the first thing about me by suggesting all I want to do is get her in bed, and, second, maybe even more painful than the first, is that she threw she has a date back in my face.

Chapter 12: Man Troubles

A couple of lonely days and New Year’s Eve go by before Tabitha and I contact each other again. Saturday morning, Tabitha texts me to see if I want to meet her for coffee.

“How can she act like nothing has changed? I'm confused. Why did she act like nothing was wrong? Why, after all the times I told her about my philosophy, turned down dates with every pretty girl I met, and had been there as a friend over and over, does she still think I'm constantly trying to just get her in bed? The other day, she basically told me off, but today she acts like nothing happened. It just doesn’t make sense." I realize I'm talking to myself out loud as I pace back and forth in my living room. “Oh well, if she can pretend nothing happened, I guess I can too," I say, then meet her for coffee.

We go back to hanging out as close friends again. I never ask her how her New Year’s date went or how her search for a significant other is going. I don’t want to know or hear about some other guy wooing her. She never mentions anything about her date, so I assume it didn’t go as well as planned. That, admittedly, does make me feel a little better.

As I'm walking her home after game night in the middle of January, she turns to me and asks, “Can I talk to you about something serious as a friend who is a straight guy?”

“Of course"

“I’ve tried to talk about this with Brad and Jay, but they always give me the same response. ‘Go out and get laid. It’ll be fun." Tabitha says, while throwing her hands up in the air in frustration.

I don’t want to talk to her about her search for a significant other. It’s just going to end in a broken heart for me again. 

“Sure,” is what comes out of my mouth. “Tonight?”

“No. It’s too late tonight. Might be a lengthy convo. Can we have coffee tomorrow morning?”

“Sure. Usual place?”

“No. Kinda want to keep this private. My place. Is eight o’clock too early?”

“A full hour earlier? Wow. Must be pretty important." Tabi smirks at my sarcasm. “I’ll be here,” I say in a sincere tone as we arrive at her door. “Want me to pick us up some breakfast and coffee?”

“No. I’ll take care of that," she says, giving me a quick hug before entering her home and closing the door.

I wake early the next morning and listen to the songbirds for a few minutes while checking the weather. There is a storm blowing through which is supposed to dump five to eight inches of snow throughout the day. The snow is supposed to start falling around seven-thirty a.m. I decide to get a workout in before meeting Tabitha.

I get home from the gym just as the snow starts to fall. I stand outside for a minute before entering my place to admire the pure beauty of the large flakes silently falling from the gray early-morning sky. The snow seems to magically appear out of thin air just above my head. I shower, shave, dress, and show up at Tabitha’s door promptly at eight. Tabi lets me in. I smell fine roasted coffee and something yummy to eat. She is wearing a pair of baggy sweatpants, a hooded sweatshirt, and bunny slippers.

I chuckle at the bunny slippers, and she notices. 

“You like? I just thought they were so cute and had to have them." She shakes one of them around, making the ears flop around in an adorable way.

I kick off my snowy shoes, remove my jacket, drape it over the back of one of her dinette chairs, then try to shake off the cold.

“Thanks for coming," she says, setting a steaming cup of black coffee on her dinette table in front of where I put my coat. 

I notice she has two place settings on the table across from each other. She returns to her kitchen, pours herself a cup from her carafe, then reaches into her oven and grabs a tray of muffins. She puts the muffins in the middle of the table, sets her cup in front of the plate across from me, and sits. We sip our coffees for a minute before she asks me if I want a muffin. 

“Absolutely. Did you make these homemade?” I respond.

“Mom’s recipe. They’re still warm," she responds while carefully taking one out of the pan and placing it on my plate.

I take a bite. It is a banana nut muffin that tastes better than anything you can get at a coffee shop. “Wow, delicious!" I exclaim.

“They are way better with a bit of butter melted on them,” she responds confidently, spreading a little pat of butter over the top of hers before taking a bite. “Mmm, tastes like home," she says, after chewing and swallowing.

I bet her lips taste like home, my aching heart expresses. 

We finish our muffins and cups of coffee. I finish my coffee first and get up to get myself some more. “Ready for another cup?" I ask, after pouring mine.

“Sure, but I can get my own," she says, but I'm already half way back to her with the carafe in my hand.

“Or, you can let me take care of you," I say, but realize I meant what I said as more than just coffee.

Dude! Get over it! Get in life-coach mode! I scream inside to myself. 

I fill her cup, return the carafe, and return to my seat with my fresh cup without another word. She finishes her muffin, wipes her lips with a napkin, and sits quietly for a minute looking out the window at the falling snow.

“What do you want to talk to me about? Having Man troubles?”

Her head snaps around to me as I say “man troubles”. She takes a deep, clarifying breath while moving her plate out from in front of her and says, “What man?” in a defeated tone, looking blankly into her coffee cup.

I stare at her as she stares down at her cup. “Feeling pretty lonely, eh?”

She looks up with soft eyes. “Yeah,” she sighs.

“How can I help?”

“Not sure if you can." She sighs in desperation again.

“Well, I’m here. I might as well hear what’s bothering you and see what I can do.”

“Well," she sucks in and exhales a deep, clarifying breath, “I guess I realize I'm lonely and I want to start looking for someone a little more seriously because I just have not had any luck."

“Okay. What have you been trying so far?”

“Well, I have a couple of profiles up on some dating sites, but all I get is a bunch of guys I have no interest in whatsoever. Ninety percent of them are just perverts looking to get laid.”

“Yeah, the scene sucks," I affirm.

“But you don’t seem to be lonely. You seem to be okay. Though I don’t know, really, how many times you are going on dates and such. It doesn’t seem like you are desperate. You seem comfortable with your philosophy. I might want to try it.”

I chuckle. “You want to try my philosophy on dating? Don’t you see how I'm failing at it?”

“You seem happy with your philosophy, though, and I see how many girls seem to be interested in more than a one-night stand with you.”

What is she talking about? I hate that she still accuses me of bedding all the women around. She must really think I'm some kind of gigolo or something. She has to see how I pick every girl apart for one reason or another as to why not to date her. Why doesn’t she see that?

“Happy? No. Committed to it ‘cuz it feels like the right way for me? Yes," I counter.

“But you know what you are looking for, are committed to finding it, and are not settling.”

“You’ve told me over and over that you know what you are looking for and are waiting for it to happen without settling.”

“I don’t think I really do know what I'm looking for. I don’t even know where to start," she admits timidly.

“Have you ever heard of a soulmate list?”

“Only from the weirdo sitting across from me." She smiles softly. “Not sure if I believe there is such a thing as a soulmate.”

“That’s unfortunate and probably where we need to start.”

“Why?”

“How are you going to find your one true love if you don’t believe you have one?" I get goosebumps with this last statement. 

Tabitha rubs her hands over her arms as if trying to get warm. “I guess I will believe it when I see it.”

“But it’s kind of like believing in God." She scowls at me. “Once you believe, you will see." There is no change in her mannerisms.

“I don’t know if I can believe in God like you do. Can we move on?”

“Sorry. Yeah. Probably sounded a little like a bible-thumper there, eh?”

“More than a little." Her tone is one of exasperation.

“Okay. Where were we?”

“Soulmates.”

“Do you believe you have a soul?”

“On the fence."

“Hmm?"

We are definitely on different planes when it comes to this.

“What do you believe in? Fate? Karma? Reincarnation?" I ask.

“Leaning toward atheism." 

My heart breaks for her. “You must live in a very dark world.”

“It is a very dark world, Rick,” she snaps back, “I just don’t pretend not to see it."

How can this beautiful, mostly happy, and loving woman be in such a dark place? The rest of her life seems so good. Then it clicks.

“Where is your happy space?” I blurt out as the thought enters my mind. She looks at me doubtful. “Based on what I know of you and your ability to be happy, laugh, have goals, dreams, and generally be a pleasant, fun person, you must have a happy space. Probably more than one actually."

She sits for a long moment, with little expression, looking at and twirling her coffee cup around in a circle. Finally, a smile drifts across her face, and she lights up. “My parents. My work. Helping others. Fantasies. Friends." At this last word, she raises her eyes to me flashing a quick smile.

I smile back at her. I feel good she considers me one of her happy spaces.

Where to start? Where to start? Where to start?

“Fantasies. Let’s start there.”

“Don’t go there," she says coldly.

“We aren’t going there.” I put extra emphasis on the word “there”. “We are going to use that happy space to get you to think about this in a different way." Tabi scowls. “You mentioned before that some of the stuff I say sounds like it belongs in a cheesy romance movie, right?"

“It does belong in a cheesy romance movie.”

“That means you actually watch those, right?”

“Embarrassed to say it, but yes," she says and smiles timidly.

She knows I got her with that one.

“Okay. Let’s pretend, fantasize if you wish, about your perfect love. Like you are making a cheesy romance movie about you and your one true love. Can you envision that?" She appears to be engaged in the conversation now.

“Yeah. I guess, but I really don’t…" She trails off.

“Don’t what?"

“Don’t want to share too much about that with you."

“That’s perfectly fine. You don’t need to. This is only about you and your fantasy lover. Nobody else needs to see or hear what your heart desires, ever. The point is, if you can envision it, you can write it down.”

She gives me a doubtful, but thoughtful look from across the table. After a moment of looking like she was in deep thought, she responds, “I don’t understand. What exactly am I supposed to write down?”

“All the good characteristics, personality traits, mannerisms, physical qualities, even experiences you want to have with your fantasy lover. Create the character and script for your perfect cheesy romance movie."

“How much detail?" she asks, appearing to be excited now.

“As much detail as you can envision.”

“That’s it?”

“Well…“

“Well, what?" She seems to get pulled back down into her dark world as she waits for the other shoe to drop.

“You need to move that from fantasy into reality.”

“What do you mean?”

“You need to truly believe it will happen in your life.”

“That may take some doing.”

“I get that, but be careful.”

“Why be careful?" She scoffs, probably doubting it matters.

“Because once you create your soulmate list and commit it to your heart, your world will turn upside down." She looks at me and scoffs in disbelief again. “I mean it. If you have everything written down, you fully believe, and are actually ready to follow where your list leads, you will meet your fantasy lover in the real world, within three days.”

“Come on! Three days? Yeah right.”

“You doubt it, but-”

“Okay! I’m calling bullshit!” Tabitha interjects sternly and scooches up to lean on the table in a stance like she is moving on the offensive. “You talk all this game and believe in true fantasy lovers and such, right?" Tabitha’s tone is aggressive.

“Yep," I respond happily, trying to pull her back out of her dark space and into the happy space.

“So, you’ve made your list?”

“Yep.”

“And you truly believe it will happen?”

“Ut oh. I see where this is going."

“Yeah. Exactly, Rick. Did it work for you? Huh? Don’t fill me with the bullshit you give to all those other stupid bimb-" She must see the hurt in my expression and stops herself abruptly.

“Yeah. I get your point. You don’t see a ring on my finger, a beautiful, loving, sensual woman on my arm, and little kids running around do you?" She scoffs. “I don’t know. I must still have some bad karma or something to clear up."

She sits back in her chair with her arms crossed, dejected.

I sit quietly for a minute. I did everything I was telling her to do, but it did not work for me. Why? Maybe I have met her, but she isn’t ready for me yet? I try to see all the other women I’ve met since I made my list and compare what I know about them and what is on my list.

“I’m sorry, Rick. This is one of those I’ll-believe-it-when-I-see-it instances." The more Tabitha talks, the louder, more aggressive, and more animated she gets. "When you show up here with a ring on your finger, a beautiful, loving, sensual woman on your arm, and little kids running around and she, not you, she tells me she is your one and only soulmate and you give her endless fucking orgasms, I will write my list."

Tabitha’s anger and frustration comes boiling out of her like I’ve never seen. “For fuck’s sake! You and your insane philosophy is just so foreign to me. You tell me how you want to pleasure your woman with all these orgasms. Have you ever happened to consider the possibility that maybe I didn’t get to enjoy one, not even one, orgasm with Garrett? So, I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about! It’s all so fucking far away from anything I’ve ever experienced, and so hard to believe!" Tabitha looks like she realizes how harsh her words are and how aggressive her actions are, but at the same time, it appears her insides are ripping apart.

After a long pause of my sitting and staring at her in shock while she tries to compose herself, she says, “And so intimidating." Her voice cracks as if on the verge of tears when she makes her last statement. She scoffs, clearly frustrated, dejected, and angry at me, but then, at the same time, looks like she is going to burst into tears. She gets up and walks, more like stomps, away from the table into the restroom, slams the door closed, and locks it.

I sit for several minutes in a terrible, dark fog. What just happened? I feel terrible. I feel sick to my stomach. Tears are welling up in my eyes. Why am I such a failure? How did I not see where that was going? Fuck! I failed her. Fuck! Frustrated with myself, I bury my head in my hands.

“What?" Tabitha’s soft, timid voice comes from behind me. 

“Nothing.”

“You didn’t fail me.”

“Did I say that out loud?”

“Yes, and very loudly, I might add." Her voice is clear and confident.

I close my eyes. I'm so ashamed for failing her. She finally reached out to me and I screwed it up. I scrunch my eyes tightly closed, hoping, praying I can fix this. God, please help me! How do I move forward from here? How do I help this woman find love when I have failed to find it myself? Please help me!

I feel her hand on my shoulder. As every time before when she touches me this way, I feel a cool calm flow over me. “You obviously truly believe in this stuff.” Tabi’s voice is soft and sincere, but sad. “I’m sorry it has not worked out for you, yet." The word "yet" registers something deep within me before she continues with, "I hope it does. You have not failed me. You’re here. That’s what I needed. Maybe I’ll try what you said because it actually made me feel a little hope. A hope I have not felt in a long, long time. I mean, what have I got to lose?" 

“A piece of paper and some time is all," I respond through my hands without thinking.

She makes a frustrated-sounding chuckle. “Time I have…way too much of it,” she whispers.

“Me too. It sure would be nice to share it with someone special, wouldn’t it?" I feel a tear start to well up inside me and my throat chokes back a sob.

From behind me, I hear a sniffle. I turn around in time to see her trying to wipe her own tear away. I stand and wrap my arms around her, pulling her into a tight hug. The familiar warm, radiant love for my friend comes out of me and surrounds us both. She curls her arms up in front of me, lays her head on my shoulder, and weeps. 

“I want to believe in it, but it is so hard after what I went through with Garrett," she says before completely losing control of her emotions. 

She completely breaks down into my arms. My own tears fall across my cheeks and into her hair. We stay like that for a while. When I finally go to break the hug, she wraps her arms around my back and pulls herself close to me. Her embrace seems to squeeze more painful tears from my eyes.

“I’ll pray for you," I say.

“Thank you," she whimpers, then starts to sob again.

I pray in my mind. God. Please help this lovely, lonely, and lost woman find her way. Help her heal from the pain of her past. Help her please. I beg of you. Reach into her heart and let her know she is loved by you. Let your will be done. Amen.

We both eventually dry our tears and I head home. The storm is blowing pretty good when I step outside from her house. I figure we have about six inches of snow on the ground. Seems like a great day for a big bowl of soup. I start a soup base as soon as I get myself settled.